living

Broken

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100+ boxes later and I’m unpacked.

My anchor is dropped. Over six years of being homeless, traveling the world, I’ve stopped. I’m ambivalent about being happy. I’m going to miss traveling. I’m going to miss seeing something new on a regular basis. I’m going to miss the freedom.

I’m NOT going to miss the loneliness.

I’m not going to miss watching the slow train wreck that is happening to the world right now.

 I sincerely hope that I eventually stumble into a life I love in my new home.

MY new home. I do love so many things about it. First and foremost, it’s all mine. If I want to paint a wall, I paint the wall; no consultations, no bargaining.

But I have to paint the wall.

Anyhoo… back to the 100 boxes of stuff. When I set off on the journey back in 2009, we sold everything and put precious and practical items in boxes in storage.

I actually forgot about a lot of that stuff. Opening most boxes was like Christmas morning. Of course, many precious items from grandparents, drawings and gifts from the children, touchstone, and photos – all brought tears to my eyes.

 Lifetimes of memories.

But a lot of it was stuff collected over the years. Useful, but still stuff.

I was lucky that my neighbour was an Army vet and was a whiz at packing. She insisted in helping me pack up my home and boy, was I lucky to have her.

Out of all the china, crystal, glass, et cetera, none of that was broken. Only two things were broken, and you won’t believe what they were.

As I have indicated before, when I started on my journey, I was married. I ended my journey single.

I was always proud of my family, and my family was the most important thing in my life, without exception. We had many decorative items scattered about the home that indicated the four of us. (Beyond photos.)

One of the items I had was a set of Sid Dickens ceramic blocks of King, Queen, Prince, and Princess crowns to represent us four. They were proudly placed in the living bookshelf.

They look like this:

All the world is yours to command.
Blessed with a woman’s intuition, all the world is yours to expand.
O Noble Prince bear this token of my deepest love. For you dwell forever in the kingdom of my heart.
For you, no dragon too difficult to slay, precious Princess. May you live happily ever after.

The ONLY two items damaged through four moves was the King and Queen block. I kid you not.

It was so indicative of my experience, I sobbed for a day. The King and Queen of my family were broken and damaged. Cracked and scarred forever more. Never to be the same. The King and Queen had fallen.

I’ve passed the Prince and Princess blocks to my children, but knowing what they represented and how our family, like the blocks, is now scattered, I’m not too sure they were happy to have them.

He has his broken King block.

I glued my Queen block back together and hung it in my bedroom. I’m not broken, but you can see the cracks.

So Lucky

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Suppose you loved ice cream. Your ice cream. You had an ice cream maker that made, for you, the most delicious ice cream.

Sure, the ice cream maker wasn’t always perfect but for the most part, it made the most amazing ice cream.

You never went anywhere or did anything without your ice cream. Everyone came to know you with your ice cream maker.

One day, after many years, the ice cream maker was gone. Where did it go? Did you lose it somehow? Searching through enough tears to fill a river twice, you looked everywhere for your ice cream maker, but it’s not to be found anywhere.

You blamed yourself, over and over, for being so careless that you would lose your ice cream maker. Surely you weren’t worthy of such a valuable item. And as such, despondency became your trusted ally.

Unbeknownst to you, someone stole your ice cream maker and they were now enjoying your ice cream. A friend saw them with your ice cream maker and told you were to find it.

And there it was. But it was not the same at all. Sure, it was the same ice cream maker, but it was now soiled and the ice cream looked and tasted different. You left the ice cream maker with them as it was of no use to you now.

Deciding that your friends were right when they said one day you’ll find a new ice cream maker, you started searching the world for the most perfect ice cream maker. You missed ice cream so damn much.

After a fruitless search, and a few candidates, you decided that the best course of action would be to build your own ice cream maker. So you started gathering the parts of what you thought would make a great ice cream maker.

Finally, you had your ice cream maker you could call yours. Except the ice cream had no flavor.

Yes, it was ice cream. It looked like ice cream. You made it to be ice cream. And it was YOUR ice cream. But the ice cream was just ice. Just ice. Frozen water.

Just cold, frozen ice, pretending to be ice cream. So you decorated it as best you knew how, with sparkles and flavor. But it was still just frozen shaped ice that looked pretty. Something was missing.

There was no substance. There was nothing to hold it all together, nothing to make the ingredients hug each other. There was only ice, no cream.

“But at least you have ice cream again!” everyone shouted joyfully. “You’re so lucky!”

Yes, I’m so lucky. So fucking lucky…

Dropping Anchor

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After six years of travelling the world, I’m dropping anchor for a while.

After six years of living out of a suitcase, and constantly searching for a Wi-Fi signal, I’m done.

After six years of being jobless and homeless, I’m turning my life 180˚. I bought a home, and I’m starting a business.

I can’t wait to wake up in a bed only I have slept in, drink coffee out of my cup that only my lips have touched, read the paper in my language, not worry about where to find a Wi-Fi signal, eat breakfast when I damn well please, not search the room to make sure I’m leaving anything behind, make friends I’ll see again, and surround myself with my touchstones.

When I read articles about how to live the nomad life, I get angry because they are selling a dream, it’s not a reality. They are confusing living a vacation lifestyle with the truth of disconnecting. They assume so damn much and that’s because dreamers, not doers, write most of those articles praising the detachment lifestyle.

So, without further ado, here’s the actuality of the nomad lifestyle from a certified doer:

➤ Prepare to miss your people. A lot. Skype, text, FB doesn’t cure it.

➤ Prepare to miss holidays, funerals, and weddings.

➤ Prepare for people to detach from you, without your permission.

➤ Prepare for a lot of loneliness, which is different than being alone.

➤ Prepare to never feel grounded.

➤ Prepare to appreciate you can never return home again. You WILL change and nothing will ever be the same.

 Prepare to be frustrated on a regular basis.

➤ Prepare to drop your English language skills to a Grade 9 level; the level most people with English as a second language speak.

➤ Prepare to understand that no one wants to hear about your travels (other than surface information you can fit in two sentences), no one wants to see your photos, no one wants to hear how you have grown, and mostly, they aren’t interested in how you’ve changed.

➤ Prepare to return to being out of step with people back home. The local news stories, the new TV show, current movies, food and clothing trends, and so on. Your worldview doesn’t fit in your hometown.

➤ Prepare to miss having a schedule.

➤ Prepare for other people not to know what a Coach purse is and the value of said Coach purse. For all they knew, it was a $9.99 special from Walmart, but they don’t know what a Walmart is, either. Ditto when you return home.

Prepare to miss things you thought you would never miss.

★ Prepare to miss going on a vacation. I haven’t been on a proper vacation in five years. Yes, I’ve travelled, but travelling is different than a vacation. A beach vacation or a cruise where you have no cares in the world, save for your drink running empty. The next time I pack a suitcase, it will be to go on a vacation.

When I sold everything, except for the precious items stored in a sea can, I thought I was free. My life was going to be wonderful, fluttering around the world with two suitcases and a dog. Well, truth be told, we are never free; our passports, our travel visas, our money can, and will, still hold you hostage.

You still have to pay to sleep somewhere, to eat something, to move. Free is not free. You still have to wash dishes, they just aren’t yours. You still have to fill the car up; it’s just not yours. You still have to vacuum and do laundry. You still have to pay for mobile phone service; it’s just a different number now.

I’ve seen so much, learned so much, had so many amazing experiences. Guess what? No one cares.

None of these experiences matter if you have no one to share life with; and not just anyone, your person. It’s a thin line between freedom and loneliness.

Which brings me to the real reason I’m dropping anchor. It’s time to find someone who cares, moreover, wants to experience all the beauty of the world with me.

It’s time to stand still long enough so my person can find me.

I miss so many things; from my stable life and from my travelling life – but none as much as sharing a life with a partner.

➤➤➤ I have stopped running away and have started running towards. And it feels good. 

 

Living in The Past

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Everyday, everyone lives in the past.

You live in the past every waking moment.

I live in the past every living moment.

The past surrounds you. Everything around you is the evidence of the past. Of your past. Every. Little. Thing. So stop telling me to quit living in the past. Even you can’t stop living in the past.

“Wait,” but you plead, “I live in the present, in the now. Like Oprah told me.”

You don’t. You live in the past. Living in the now is a huge New Age lie. It’s impossible to live in the now.

The now is now. Now. Now. No, now. Now. Now. Urgh! Now…

Living in the now is unobtainable. You can live for this moment and in this moment, but you don’t live in the now.

You live in the past. Even tomorrow you will be living in the past.

Every decision and choice you have made in your past, you live with. Now. Now. Now.

Everything you are happy with, you made that choice in the past. Everything you are not so happy with, you also made that choice in the past.

Look around you; your body is based on the choices you made yesterday, last week, last month, last year. Like what you see? Great! Keep it up. Don’t like what you see? If your body is not the way you would prefer, it’s only because of the choices you have made in the past. Change your tomorrow’s past for your body, today. Start some type of improvement today and the evidence of your better choices in the past will come to life tomorrow.

A hangover is the best analogy I can think of for this. That moment you woke up, you did nothing wrong. You were sleeping, how could you have done something wrong? Living, or rather sleeping, in the now shouldn’t have given you a headache and upset stomach. Yet you wake up with a hangover because of your past choice to drink alcohol.

You are living in the now with a hangover from drinking in your past. If you could live in the now, wouldn’t you just erase your hangover from your mind by living with a bright, shiny morning? Impossible. Your day starts out living in your past.

Happy in your relationship? Great! Keep it up. Not so happy or not in a relationship? What choices did you make in the past that have you were you are today? Did you realize you should have left years ago? Are you single but not mingling? Have you let things slide?

Career? Yep, all past decisions. Did you drop out of school? Did you pass up that promotion? Did you work hard at a degree that was viable? Did you work those extra hours that are paying off now? Did you enter a questionable business model? Did you follow your heart?

Finances? Did you ring up your credit cards? Overextend on your mortgage? Gamble? Overspend? Start a savings account? Diligent with a budget? Financially secure? Your finances are directly attributed to your past choices and decisions, good or bad.

The money in your bank or not in your bank is one of the clearest material indication of your choices, hands down. (Even a sudden lotto winning is proof you bought a ticket, a past decision.)

Every waking hour is a reminder of your past. Every breathing moment is living in your past. Consequences of your choices, good or bad. Without exception.

What you choose this moment, this now, will be birthed into the next moment, next day, next week, next month, next year.

So you don’t live in the now, you choose in the now.

You don’t live in the moment, you choose in the moment.

But you always live in the past.

Everything You Did Not Say

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You never asked.

In your not asking, I have my answer.

When it’s all about you with never a queery about me, I have my answer.

This isn’t assumption; it’s an observation.

I waited for you to ask and you didn’t. Not once.

You spoke a thousand words to give me the answer I already knew.

➵ It’s probably the most honesty I have ever taken away from one of our conversations. 

Take good care.

Unconditional Love a.k.a. Baby Don’t Hurt Me

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Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

Most people think that unconditional love means that the person you love can do what they wish and you should still love them, even if it hurts you.

This is why people stay in abusive situations. They assume that if they don’t, they aren’t giving the other person unconditional love.

This is so wrong.

Unconditional love should begin and end with you.

When you unconditionally love yourself, no one can rock your boat. No one can upset you. You stop searching for someone who will make you happy.

When your happiness comes from within you, no one can take it away via their actions or words.

When you unconditionally love yourself, it shouldn’t matter what your partner is doing. If they do something that is in conflict with your values or put you in danger, leave. When you respect yourself, this is the only option. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

This isn’t selfish or narcissistic. This is self-preservation. When you take the burden of your happiness off of your partner’s responsibility, only then are you are in a true love relationship. Only then are you in a true unconditional love relationship.

Also, when your partner knows you alone are responsible for your happiness, they are less likely to do things that will give you grounds to leave. And if they do, they weren’t the right partner to begin with.

For example, a true partner wants to please their mate because it also makes them happy. They won’t overspend, gamble, drink too much, have an affair, and so on because it would mean bringing much unhappiness into their own lives.

People who unconditionally love themselves don’t do things to bring chaos into their lives and thus not yours.

Again, this isn’t selfish or narcissistic behaviour. Narcissists insist you make them happy. They insist they be happy without caring about your happiness. A narcissist will do things they know are different from your values and expect you to accept their behaviour, unconditionally. Their comfort will always be of the utmost importance, even if it means making you uncomfortable. See the difference?

I’ll never get married again but eventually I’d like a dedicated relationship. And I would like us to say something like this to each other:

Hey, I like you pretty good. You bring much joy into my life. I promise to never make you responsible for my happiness. I would like to commit to you in a reciprocal relationship filled with trust, honesty, friendship, love, joy, happiness, adventure, growth, and companionship. Deal?

Deal.

The Better Question

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If you knew you only had one more year to live, what would you do differently, if anything, than you are doing now?

⇒Would you travel more?

⇒Would you call that person?

⇒Sell all your stuff and pursue a dream?

⇒Take that painting/writing/singing/acting class?

⇒Write that book?

⇒Take a risk?

⇒Spend more time with loved ones?

Quit that job?

⇒Stop that draining friendship?

⇒Dance more? Sing more? Party more? Read more?

⇒Laugh more? Cry more? Love more? Hug more?

⇒Live each moment and take it all in?

⇒Record your life moments with a diary/photos/video?

⇒Leave a legacy?

⇒Remove everything that wasn’t necessary so you can concentrate on what is necessary?

The better question is: How do you know you don’t only have one more year to live?

 

Is This Really Necessary?

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Is this really necessary?

Is this really necessary?

This year, the New Year Eve festivities in Paris will be a laser show from and on the Arc de Triomphe.

One Parisan lady, obviously not impressed, expressed her dismay by simply stating, “Is that really necessary?”

My daughter and I both laughed and it has become our touchstone quote throughout our whole Christmas trip to Paris. And it got me wondering, what a fabulous way to live, always asking if something is really necessary.

Think about it – how streamlined and efficient your whole life would be and become, only by using four simple words.

Buying something new? Is it really necessary?

Spending money on frivolity? It is really necessary?

Have someone in your life that is more effort than they are worth? Are they really necessary?

Name brands? Are they really necessary?

The amount of food/snacks you are about to eat? Is that really necessary?

A full cart at Costco? Is that really necessary?

That bottle of supplements? That new exercise fad? That diet book? Are they really necessary?

Adding to your debt? Is that really necessary?

Another glass of wine? Yes.

And so on.

By removing the unnecessary from your life, you allow the necessary more room to be useful, pleasurable, and balanced.

In debt? This question alone will help you magically return to sanity, help you to stop spending, using the extra money to pay down your balance and then to stay out of debt.

Overweight and out of shape? Is it necessary to eat so much, rely on the magic diet/gizmo, taking the escalator/elevator or vehicle everywhere? Even ask yourself if the gym membership is necessary.

Stressed to the max? Is it necessary to work so much, take on so much, get involved so much?

In a bad or one-sided relationship? Is it necessary to keep this person in your life?

House full of stuff and cluttered? Is it necessary to keep buying more? Is it even necessary to keep it all?

Who needs resolutions when you have one guiding question all year around?

Using the “Is this really necessary?” as the first and most important question for everything you do, you will find that when it comes to yearly New Year’s resolutions, they won’t ever be necessary.

Why I Give #Selfies

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forgetmenot

I take a lot of selfies. A lot.

I don’t share them all, of course.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I have less than 20 photos of my whole childhood. And 12 of those are school photos.

No family vacations, no birthday parties, no standing by the TV photos and no Christmas photos. The only photo I have of myself with Santa is when I was 21.

In 27 years of marriage, I was the photographer in our family. At least 90% of our family photos are three or fewer people. [Once in a while this blonde shows up, standing beside the children. I’m sure my grandchildren will think my children had a nanny growing up.] The majority of our family vacations, birthday parties, standing by the TV and Christmas photos are of my children and their father. Very few include me.

Since I’ve been single for the past two years, and travel solo, who else to record my adventures? The dog? Selfies it is.

Thanks to selfies, I finally get to record my life, my way. So, I’m taking a lot of selfies, proving I was here, there and everywhere. I’m chronicling what remains of my life. Because if I don’t, no one else will.

And no one can take those selfies away from me, they are mine.

Besides, the first 50 years of my life are barely visually documented. I have a lot of catching up to do.

I don’t publicly post selfies for adoration or comments. I do it as a self-confidence booster. The first selfie I posted publicly took me hours of self-talk and a trembling hand to click the ‘post’ button. Actually, the first twelve to twenty were mostly like that.

Now, I don’t care, I post away, proving that I’m still here. Proving that I exist, existed, and I am living, doing, smiling. I’m posting my selfies for me. Not for comments, admiration or ego.

These days, I don’t take selfies, I give selfies. For me.

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Know the Difference

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My knowns have disappointed me far more than my unknowns ever have.

What I thought was reality, was an illusion. A construct of so-called knowns that came slamming down on me, one painful block at a time.

I don’t care for knowns anymore. I don’t care for routine or structure, either. They scare me because they can all be taken away, and without my wanting nor permission.

I am more comfortable with unknowns and not knowing where I am going. Nothing can be taken away from me. Nothing is ever cancelled. Everything is changeable. Everything flows from better to better.

I can’t get anxious about what I don’t know. I can’t be worried about missing out because I don’t know what I’m missing out on.

And you know what? So far, so good.

When I let go of the oars (or house, or job, or partner, or stuff), and quit trying so damn hard, the flow is more enjoyable; it brings me to places I would have never contemplated stopping for a break.

The most tedious travel I have ever encountered are trips that were carefully planned out, researched and on a schedule. I wonder how much I missed by seeing it all? [Site-seeing should be reworded to site-glancing.]

How many sunsets did I miss because I had to be somewhere?

How many people didn’t I meet because I didn’t have the time to chat?

Have I met – and passed over – the true love of my life because I was on a schedule?

How many hole-in-the-wall authentic restaurants did I miss because I was told where and what to eat? (Along with hidden gem wines!)

How many smiles, connections, nuances, details, doors, paths, smells, sights, colours, observations, mysteries, experiences, wanders and emotions did I miss because of shoulds, must-sees and preplanning everything down to the last minute?

My favourite travels have been journeys, where I didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to see. The unknown pleasantly surprises at every turn, when you don’t know what you think you should experience.

The unexpected has created fabulous memories; and indeed, those are the best kind of souvenirs.

How else could have I dreamt up a pyjama party in the main lounge in one of the most luxurious hotels in Japan, if I had bus tour dinner plans? The opportunity to encourage everyone to come to the lounge in his or her pyjamas (wearing the hotel provided housecoats), to drink champagne with me would have not presented itself. We all joked and laughed and laughed and laughed and co-created so much joy and we grew to such a size the hotel actually ran out of champagne! I’ll never forget that evening, and I’m sure they won’t, either.

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My favourite conversations when I return from travelling are, “Oh, I was there as well. Did you see Blank Museum/Church/Tourist Trap?”

“No. But I did see the last eight remaining wild rhinos in Zambia.”

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Or “No. But I did have an authentic hours-long Egyptian lunch with an Egyptian family in their home, just off the Giza Plateau. Then we watched the sun set behind the pyramids, right from their balcony. They called me their sister. I’ll never forget it.”

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Or with my daughter, stopping for a break in Vienna for a ‘quick glass of wine’ at 3 p.m.; by 11 pm and three bottles of wine later, slurring to everyone in the elevator, using a fake British accent, “Please don’ t make me laugh. I’ll pee my pants.” If we were on a tour bus, we would have missed that golden runaway – a memory that we will giggle about the remaining days of our lives.

I don’t know where I’m going, what’s next, who will be with me, when I’m going (if at all) and why my life has turned out the way it did – and that is so exciting.

Admittedly, it took a while to get to this podium. I clutched, cried and fought hard for my knowns, as if I’d die without them. How was I to know I was already dying with them?

My known life was full of problems verses possibilities. My unknown life is full of possibilities verses problems. Know the difference.

Life is one big wandering adventure when you think about it. You can either grab the oars, and make it full of what you think are knowns, musts, pressures, schedules, commitments, bad food, less wine; only to leave a bunch of crap for your children to throw out (or fight over) after you die.

Or you can embrace your life as overflowing with unknowns, living in the moment, and making memories -leaving a legacy with the most amazing obituary.

I know what I’m leaving my children. And that’s the one and only known that I’m comfortable with.